I’m already two days behind, so bear with me.
Day two - Saturday
The worst of the process was quite possibly that first night, so you can imagine my relief when I awoke the next morning. I woke up and G had left the room. I couldn’t sleep any longer than I had, and decided to listen to some songs to temporarily cure my homesickness. Before the first song could end, G walked back into the room. We did not make eye contact, nor did we speak. We lay silently in a bed I found foreign, with a world of distance between us. I wanted to cry even harder than I did the previous night, but instead rolled over and tried to ignore the overwhelming feeling in my chest. G rolled over and wrapped his arms around me. he lay kisses down my neck, arms and cheeks and I felt significantly relieved. The last thing I wanted was for him to be upset - particularly with me. We kissed gently for a while and all was forgiven. He understood - he said. Yet I still apologised for being so dramatic.
It will take me a while to become accustomed to a house full of pattering and stomping footsteps. They line the hallways constantly and it makes me overly paranoid I’m being watched. They’re just curious, I suppose. I was a familiar stranger that was trying to make a house into a home with nothing but emotional motivation and paranoia.
Day Three- Sunday (My Birthday)
In particular, I was fearing my birthday the most. For the past 10 years, I had not had a birthday away from home. In the last three years, I spent my birthday surrounded by friends, complemented by a party. This year I was uncertain and unsure, which made me overly anxious. G did not have any money to get me a present but after all we had endured, I really didn’t mind. I decided to not care as much about everything, and to enjoy my day to the best of my ability - with or without my close friends.
My best friend thankfully joined me on Skype and it was quite possibly the highlight of the day. The house is open to anyone. The doors are never locked, the cars are never locked and possessions are sprawled so carelessly in the front yard. In sydney, I would have heart palpitations even considering leaving something unlocked, yet it was so natural and trusting within this suburb.
G’s family surprised me with a bouquet of flowers, a card & a gift card. A few calls from family and I was feeling pretty okay. We went out to dinner that night, which was rather okay. My plans for my 19th were alot more extravagant, but there’s always next year.
Day One (first 24 hours)
Everything I owned had found a place on an unfamiliar floor. I shifted boxes that contained items which my life somewhat depended on, and moved them to corners of a room that was not, and will never be, completely be mine. The room had G’s childhood books & toys, and a somewhat unfortunate looking bedspread which made me feel slightly uncomfortable. Nothing was my own, and I was awkwardly misplaced in a state I once considered “home”. I think I had changed my mind within hours of getting out of the car. Was this for me? Was I really going through with this?
I was utterly homesick. Texting friends, or using social networking sites only ignited my sadness further. I felt left out and forgotten. I made a call to my mother back in Sydney, hoping it would cheer me up and give me positive insight to my current situation, however, I was left in tears and a longing to be with her. I missed her.
G walked in and found me crying silently beside the bed, with my phone in my hand. My best friend had been supporting me and reassuring me of things I was desperate to hear. I’m so thankful to know someone as beautiful as her. She listened to my rants every hour about how much I loathed this place, and how miserable I had become.
Darkness couldn’t have approached any slower, but I was thankful it was finally here. Hopefully my worries would slip away with ease, as I lay in my lovers arms. His affection made me feel secure enough to silently break down, within minutes I was a horrible mess. I sat up, “I want to go home” I cried. I wept so hard, he was uncertain of what to do. I felt even more alone than I had when I first arrived.
I bought this 365 Diary with the intention of recording my first year out of home for sentimental value. I want to be able to look back a year after I wrote my first words and know I’ve become happier, healthier and more me than I thought possible. Every word - all my thoughts, feelings and fears scribbled onto the pages without hesitation. I want to be honest and upfront. But more importantly, I just want to spill everything. Raw emotions trapped on naked pages, only to create a new part of me.
I bought this 365 Diary with the intention of recording my first year out of home for sentimental value. I want to be able to look back a year after I wrote my first words and know I’ve become happier, healthier and more me than I thought possible. Every word - all my thoughts, feelings and fears scribbled onto the pages without hesitation. I want to be honest and upfront. But more importantly, I just want to spill everything. Raw emotions trapped on naked pages, only to create a new part of me.
